CROWDED HOUSE: WITH THREE YOU GET EGG ROLL

"Awright, stop yer sobbin'," you're probably thinkin'. "It's not like yer out in the hot sun carryin' hod or anything!" Fair enough. But the disrespect foreigners show for longstanding traditions like gettin' plenty of sleep on the night of July 3 so there'll be plenty of energy for the cycle of drinkin' and blowin' things up that's sure to follow just gets my (American Mountain) goat.