DAVID LEE DIGS MIKE LOVE: ON THE BLEACH!

Incredible! Due to a massive screw-up at the ballot box last November, David Lee Roth has been elected this year’s TOUR GUIDE O’ AMERICA! Which, you may not realize, entitles him to all of our tax dollars and fur coats and stuff! Furthermore, the singer—well known in the rock group Van Halen—must now perform a song about every state in the union! He’s already done “North To Alaska,” “Georgia,” “New York, New York” “Utah Pootah” —and that’s just the beginning! The mandate speaks: let the tour begin!