Hiya, masochists. It’s movie caca time again. Normally this review of the year’s worst pictures appears an issue earlier, but the very thought of writing about 1982’s releases sent The Dauph into a month-long depressive tailspin that could only be relieved by electroshock massage and the promise of a CREEM check upon completion of typing, to be delivered in person by a scantily clad Phoebe Cates.

Things must be rough in the creative think tanks of Hollywood. In other words, the quality of the cocaine out there must really be declining. How else can you explain that the following bombs that would normally be shoo-ins for the Ten Worst roster only qualified as runners-up this annum? I’m talking about unmitigated ambergris like Hanky Panky, The Beastmaster, A Little Sex, Cannery Row, An Officer And A Gentleman, The Amateur, If You Could See What I Hear and Six Pack. Whew! Vom-inducing dreck, all of it, but only second rate.