Those lips! Those eyes! That body! Pale, hard, smooth as marble; solid chest, muscular legs, and hung between them—a Holiday Inn towel? David—the Michelangelo version, a gift from a fan—draped with various souvenirs is the first thing you meet when you step out of the elevator of what was once Rudolf Valentino's gymnasium. The second thing is a member of the large Van Halen retinue, officed in this Hollywood building. The third thing— mouth in the familiar pout, eyes in the familiar half-lidded stare, hair in the familiar egg-whisk style—is David Lee Roth himself, drinking Dr. Pepper and smoking Marlboros. More magnificent than Michelangelo's version, almost perfect except for his tastebuds, here before me is the world's most loved and the world's most hated human being in the flesh. And he's talking nineteen to the dozen..."Well as you probably know, Sylvie, this is a Zen principle—two of the most opposite things become the same thing and as you have probably deduced from our previous interviews (many, I confess) and the music etc.; I represent the Zen council portion of Van Halen; not so much because I am a student of Zen but basically because I am the only one who can spell it."

The reason I don't use periods is because he doesn't. Fast? He's a killer. It's barely afternoon, the carbon monoxide is wafting up from Sunset Boulevard, and David's brain's as fresh and crisp and sunny as a Kellogg's cornflake. He's fascinating and he knows it, laughing, chortling and screaming at his own frequent amusing ideas and jokes, sounding (a lot like the music) like a tornado hitting a safari park. This man could talk the loincloth off Ted Nugent. Turn this interview to 45 and read it LOUD. "I just like to talk," says David. "I like words. I can only count to four and then I have to start over again— which is OK for my job." Would make someone a wonderful lawyer. "Yeah, that's just talking, there's nothing there. You've heard about the 15 minute university? Instead of going through 10, 12 years of college we're going to offer courses that teach you only what you will remember seven years after you graduate. So if you've taken Spanish for seven years, seven years later the only thing you'll remember is Como esta usted? So we'll teach you that—Spanish la and lb. Then we're going on to Economics—go to grad school in economics and spend eight years at university, if you want to do it that way, fine. Or you can come to the Fifteen Minute Van Halen University and we'll teach you what you'll remember seven years after you graduate which is: Supply and Demand, OK? With a special graduate course extension called: Buyer Beware. And we'll have a special two minute extension in law..." You get the idea. Sorry I couldn't condense this into the Fifteen Minute Van Halen interview, but if—like theirs—your attention span's too short for all this (something the band recognized by putting lots of little photos instead of lyrics on the inner sleeve; if Van Halen fans wanna read, they'll have to go to a bleeding library) just look at the pictures. It's what I do.