A Consumer’s Guide To GUITAR HEROES

The guitar has always had its own special niche in the hierarchy of blammo. When you picture a rock ’n’ roll group, who do you think of first. The goalie? Nah, it’s the guitar tamer, his holy instrument slung extra low on his hip like a fetus gunfighter and the same serene expression on his face as a rock critic with a dollar.

These six-string silverfish have their own pecking order, their own cliques and even their own magazine. Have you ever seen a copy of Xylophone Player? Koto Notes? Or a good rock ’n’ roll band without a guitarist? (There are fourteen worldwide and they all stink.) Not to mention the phallic possibilities, which I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot strip of Sizzlean. I mean, bottleneck guitar? Kee-rist!