As hard as it may be to believe at this late date (check your calendar), some cricket dicks still don’t have the slightest clue as to what Heavy Metal is, much less what it’s all about. Like all other dumb labels for music (New Wave, Southern Rock, $7.98) it’s nearly impossible to define and none of the groups ever really fits the definition anyway. So the next time somebody stops you on the street and asks, “Hey, Bernice, what is Heavy Metal?”, it’s generally best to just say that Ted Nugent is and Horslips isn’t; “Whole Lotta Love” is and “Mandy”—well, if it gets that far, just tell ’em to go stick their ear to a lawn mower and listen.

Heavy Metal is rock ’n’ roll that gives your ears the urge to make voodoo dolls of your stereo speakers. It’s as LOUD as having an eviction notice nailed to your forehead, as SCREECHY as a rusty craniotomy saw in the hands of Moe and so HEAVY that it can sometimes only be listened to while curled into a modified gagging dolphin position. Add some lyrics that are as memorable as your most unforgettable blackout and production values that vary between thin and asleep-at-thewheel, and you achieve a certain transcendental cruddiness that can make grown men and women jump up on aluminum folding chairs and holler IN-A-GADDA-DA-VIDA!!