TV ’78: Thanks For The Mammaries

It's gonna be be ham ham on the lens, beef on the box and much rubbing of bitter puppets out in Viewerland this fall, and we've got nobody to thank but ourselves. Those days when hormone prodding provoked instant cancellation have been banished to the tube-relic box along with Camp Runamuck and the bottom half of Elvis. Now any producer with half the IQ of a farm is busy wiring Nielsen sneakers to discover what corftbination of chest skin and licking sounds will best forestall a network-paid vacation to Zunaland.

Of course, not all the new shows are about sex. Freddie Silverman of NBC, the man credited with inventing the "who cares" school of programming while at ABC, will tell you that W.E.B. is a cutting insight into network politics, even though half the dialogue is drowned out by blood gorging into the membranes of female lead Pamela Bellwood. ABC likes to think of Vega$ as an old-fashioned detective drama, but fails to mention that most of the clues are to be found in some showgirl's feather duster, while the V.P. in charge of lies over at CBS claims that American Girls is a "biting indictment" of modern journalism. Apparently, both girl reporters read the chapter in Total Woman aboutteeth. And Flying High is just another updating of the Dumbo story, with breasts substituting for ears.