THE SHAPE OF KISS TO COME

Yes, we have finally discovered the secret Protocols, the Manifesto of KISS. With this they will dominate the world, unless stopped by insurgent forces and fifth columns comprised of people who are probably too literate to read any article with Kiss’ name on it anyway, which means that NOTHING can be done to retard them. That’s right; we, CREEM as both sentient entity and journal of public mores, have seen rock’s future and its name is Kiss. In fact, we have seen rock’s past and its name also is Kiss, which makes them the ultimate band, especially since they stand 4-L7 for what the highest karmic whang-on emblematizes: namely, making lots and lots of money by peddling inflatable garbanzos!

Kiss was, were and will be —while not commies, they are the ultimate realization of a secret plot that goes back centuries. Ever hear of the Illuminati? Well, that was just a red herring, all you kneejerk sucker conspiracy buffs—the Delusionati were the real deal, from Tyco Brahe to the twin dead doctors-AND THAT’S WHERE KISS CAME FROM!!! You think they were just four zit-pucks from Queens (the town, not the group) and Brooklyn who sent away box tops for inflatable bat wings and firebreath pellets you can buy with Xray specs and hand buzzers out of comic book ads? Huh! Look again, Rock Critic Establishment. You ever hear of the Protocols of Zion? Yas? No? Well, no matter either way, because that too was a cover-up, because Zion spelled backwards is NOIZ, which is Kiss and no else’s body, mister! Slade were just a dry run, Grand Funk and Alamagordo testing twim—“Shout It Out Loud” is the anthem, the Internationale of the Blackjocks (forget Brownshirts— how moribundly European [ich] [R.I.P. Nazi Rock]) of the Future.